Hello Internet Land!! I have had an interesting summer, filled with nothing but..... (drumroll)... silence. *gasp* And totally unexpected I might add.
My three boys visited their fathers for the summer in different states and I had nothing but peace and quiet. It was bittersweet, just because I seldom ever get the chance to have time to
Now, don't get me wrong; I am very appreciative of the two months I had alone and that is the longest time I'd ever been without all of my children who are 10, 8, and 7 years old. The silence was unnerving at times, but I did not have to really buy groceries and my light bill was minimal because I was the only person here - lol. But I know that this time was needed for me. I needed this time alone to reflect on life, my mistakes, and who I really am. I really needed to get to a place of spiritual growth and desire. To desire the things that God desire and to be able to spend more time with him.
When I first came into the knowledge of God and who He was I was about 13. I truly wanted to live my life to please Him because I was so in love with who He was. Yet temptation is a heavy thing, I tell you. But when you don't stick something, it fades away... Like learning a new language. Whichever dog you feed will get the biggest - I stopped feeding my spirit and just did whatever I wanted to do. I renewed my love for God around 2004 (my third year of marriage to my husband) and I had serious difficulty trying to balance church and family. I say that because my... ahem... "church" made family life difficult because of rigid demands. I then got frustrated because I felt slightly that the church was making me choose between my family and them... So I dropped out of all church activities... then stopped reading my bible, praying, everything. I became stagnant in my spiritual growth and stopped pursuing God. I guess somehow I unknowingly equated church and God.
Stagnancy can make you stale. Simply put when your spirit is stagnant, you become stale. You may not even realize it. When you give and do not get replenished spiritually, you become worn out; not seeking God and resting in the promises He freely gives. I was not growing spiritually… I was not being challenged spiritually. I wanted to focus on my husband, my family and that was it... all the while not really knowing how (but thinking I did). I didn't know I was still very immature and ignorant of MUCH; especially married life. I was selfish to God and to my family - without even realizing it. Long story short; if you do not have identity in Christ, everything around you gets stripped until you step back and acknowledge Gods' sovereignty and allow him to be in control (Proverbs 16:9).
I am now Danielle who is learning to grow… not being afraid that my growth (mentally and spiritually) will make the people around me uncomfortable...
I am free to learn more about myself and others and I am always seeking to become stronger, wiser, and better. Growing in my spiritual relationship with God is most important to me as well as becoming a better mom while sifting through all of the feelings and stress come with being separated from my husband. This is not an easy process y’all. Yielding to God brings a lot of growing pains, ya feel me? I feel like a seed being watered that will soon blossom into this pretty red flower (because red is my fave color - tee hee).
I am happy being Danielle, who is learning to love herself… embracing the “me” that I am with all my quirks, traits, and issues… Learning to honor my wishes, decisions, and opinions as VALID even if they do not align with someone else’s. Shedding those parts that I do not like and working toward being a beautiful reflection of God. A wonderful quote I’ve heard was that part of loving yourself is risking disappointing others to make yourself happy. I had always been afraid to do that. I am learning to respect myself and what I value and behold as truth. Ultimately, loving me how God loves me and seeing myself through His eyes and no one else’s. Not being afraid to pursue my dreams and those things that matter to me…
I am not into astrology, but when I look at the characteristics typical of people born with my astrological sign (Scorpio) I can see some truth to the associated traits (Sidebar - I don’t look to astrology to determine how my day will go... my attitude and God determine that). Some of those traits are loyal, passionate, resourceful, observant, dynamic, fiery independence, tenacious, ambitious, adaptable, suspicious, complicated, intuitive, and dedicated. I feel these traits describe me to a tee! I feel that even though I am often misunderstood, I accept it. It is a part of what makes me, "me". I am very protective of myself and not so quick to let people in. I love that I am mysterious… That means not easily manipulated. I love hard y’all, so that is a good thing, ya dig?
So much has changed about me since this transition. I have learned so much about myself and about how I am perceived versus how I want to be perceived. I am growing - basking in the essence of womanhood that I possess. Join me on my ups and downs won't you? It will prove to be an interesting ride!
As Mary said, "Just understand we're all a work in progress."
Deuces & Smooches!!
Feb 2010